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Moms and Dads, Are You TOO NICE? Wayne's aunt Bernice, in her 90's recently passed away. I remember Bernice and her husband Ervin well. They were SO nice. Ervin worked hard to put money away for old age. They were very thrifty. And you could not find two more pleasant people. They were so enjoyable to be with. They were considerate and kind. And yet, they had one fault. They were TOO nice. Their only son was given every thing he wanted. He wasn't disciplined. His mistakes were excused. He wasn't required to work in or outside the home. As a teenager, he got into drugs. After Ervin, died, the son talked the mother into giving him title to all her assets. She was forced to leave her own house and when she died, there was not even enough money to bury her. The son did not help with that. The three brothers chipped in to take care of the funeral expenses. My daughter Rachel worked at McDonald's in high school and a restaurant in Springfield as she was going through college. She told me many "horror" stories of things spoiled kids would say and do, and the temper tantrums they would engage in while the parents stood by doing absolutely nothing. A former teacher, I have been quick to notice misbehavior in public as well. Some of these instances have been in church. One time my daughter and I were attending the services where a very anointed evangelist was speaking. We came in just in time so we took a seat in the back. In back of us, were a row of children unsupervised. At first they were fine. But little by little, they started goofing around and getting noisy. The speaker either ignored it or didn't notice. But Rachel and I were very disturbed. I eventually turned around warning them to be quiet. But they persisted. So, I told them if they continued, one of them would have to sit with me. They persisted. So, I very gently motioned for the ringleader to come and sit with me. The group of children got very quiet. And the young man was very chagrined. Eventually, the mother oblivious to the whole thing, saw her son sitting with me and motioned for him to sit with her. She didn't speak to me for several weeks but I don't remember those children ever causing a disturbance again. I very definitely overstepped my bounds in dealing with someone's else's child but it was infringing on my right to hear. Why will parents not insist their children behave? They seem to stand helpless with shoulders shrugging, "I can't make them behave! But I say to you, You are bigger than they are! Yes, you can! But it takes persistence, determination, and consistency and prayer!! Another time, I was at a church in which occasionally on Wednesday nights, the teacher of the young boys would not show up. So, they brought the whole row of children into the adult Bible study. Well, the boys quickly learned that if they would go to the bathroom frequently, they could have a lot of fun (and create a real mess) which was a lot better than sitting in the Bible study! So, one time during the discussion (it actually fit in) I brought up how when I taught kindergarten students I trained them to go to the bathroom before class and we did not have to interrupt our class for potty calls. Turning to the young people, I said, "If kindergarten students can use self control, I am sure that nine and ten year olds can as well! That solved the problem. I have been in some churches where every Sunday there were children sometimes sitting right near their parents who were visiting or playing with toys making noises or other disruptive behavior. And the parents do nothing. I remember the "good old days" when I was a mother. I warned my kids if they ever got disruptive, I would take them to the mother's room - not to spend the rest of the time playing and being rewarded for their disruptive behavior- but to get a spanking! I only had to do it once and they never did it again! But I also provided constructive things to do. When they were as young as three and four I said they could very quietly make a picture of something they had learned in the sermon. When they got home, they would tell me about what they had learned. It was amazing how they very often hit the most important ideas! And sometimes they got insights that were amazingly perceptive! In one church I attended the pastor was very quick to
notice misbehavior. He would be very quick to point it out, embarrassing
the culprit, but putting an end to any future misbehavior. I have seen very demanding children with parents at their mercy in the grocery stores. Parents are afraid to do what is right in public. You don't have to give a public spanking. There is a muscle in the back of the neck that when squeezed causes pain but does not hurt the victim. One squeeze and my kids obeyed immediately! In fact, I only had to look at them with my penetrating stare and they shaped up. LOVE HAS to be TOUGH- not mean but consistent, firm, and with results! When I taught school, I had no problem. I set down the rules and they obeyed or accepted the consequences. But homeschooling was another matter. At one time, I was homeschooling a high schooler, a junior high student, and a kindergarten student. Jeremy (in sixth grade) would try to get out of work. He would pester Rachel, my little one. Nathan, my "perfect" kid, was wasting time upstairs. At one time, I cried out to God, "Why did you want me to do this?" It was a job keeping them on task. Then, one morning, before my feet touched the floor, the Lord answered, "Because, "he said, " I want to teach you how to love." Love isn't always mushy and huggy. Love sets down guidelines. Love disciplines. Discipline is not always punishment. Discipline enforces the work ethic. Discipline lets the child learn at times the hard way. And always, you need to commit your children to God! He can do what you can't! My kids were good kids but there were a few times they got into trouble. One time when Jeremy was in eighth grade (he was going to a parochial school at the time), he had his good friend Andy over. They remembered that in playing frisby, one had gotten stuck on the roof of the school building. At the impulse of the moment, at 5:00 a.m. they decided to climb up the roof and get it! But the police noticed and thought they were breaking in. The police yelled at them to come down but they hid and so the police confiscated their bikes. And then they called over at home. After hearing what happened, like a typical Mom, I was upset with the police. I went over there and was going to say something but the police started in telling me to never stand up for your child when they have done wrong. They had no business on top of that building. I needed to let them suffer the consequences of what they had done. I knew that from the fact that a friend always stood up for her boy and he had many times gotten into big trouble. It just kept getting worse because she didn't let him learn the hard way. One time my "perfect" Nathan was waiting outside with some kids. It was very cold and Nathan jokingly dared another kid to put his tongue on the jungle gym. He never believed he would do it but he did and his tongue stuck fast. After much trouble and an angry Mom and upset principal, a red faced Nathan had to face the music in the principal's office. Nathan was more careful after that. He still is very careful in what he says. There are some parents who discipline their children and the kids still are spoiled. Most of them had life so easy. The parents made good money and they got everything they wanted. They didn't have to work in high school and maybe did not have to do much at home. Most of the time, those kids become selfish and lazy and arrogant. We did not have a lot of money so my kids had to work. Rachel would work late at McDonald's and have school the next day. She made good grades and made enough for her own expenses. Jeremy didn't work in high school because of football but in college he always worked. He learned early how to work. One time when he was about six, he and Nathan were to go outside and rake leaves. He started running away and climbed up a tree against Nathan's shouts of protest. The tree was a poplar tree- not very strong. The branch broke and Jeremy came tumbling down. Nathan carried him inside and later we found he had a broken leg. Jeremy learned how to work and not shirk his responsibilities. Nathan, too, learned early to be responsible and work hard. Don't be easy on your kids. Teach them to work! And yet, with as little money as we were making, we
were good money managers and when my kids were in a pinch in college,
they knew we would help them. There has to be a balance. They knew our
help was a Jeremy always seemed to have the hardest knocks. He was hit accidentally in the face when playing intramural football in college. He had to have reconstructive surgery. They had to put a tiny screw in his jaw to hold it together. He didn't know whether he would regain his feeling. He didn't know whether he would regain his looks. There was much prayer. And now Jeremy is so handsome and yes, he did regain his feeling in his face. That incident was the turning point that led him to become a doctor. He is in his third year of medical school and doing well. He has delivered six babies and his knowledge is amazing. I remember one Christmas when he was just 5 or 6 and he was determined to make a ball out of paper for the tree. I said Jeremy, you have to have paste. But Jeremy was determined. He just used water and kept pressing and pressing. That ball held together. Every Christmas I take it out. He painted it red and it is as hard as a rock. Jeremy just would not give up. That is the way he has been through life. He has had many disappointments. He has been bitter with God. But he didn't give up. He took one step at a time. He kept plugging away. I am amazed at what God can do. When my boys were small, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all. I said, "God be the bridge between what we can give them and what they need." God has answered that prayer and they are crossing over- crossing over into destiny and purpose. Another time in college, Jeremy was working a job hanging out signs. It was about 110* outside and he had his shirt off. He pulled over to rest a bit. Then another car came by and they yelled for him to get out. There was smoke coming from the back of his car! Jeremy jumped into the other car and when they were a block away, the car burst into flames! Apparently, it was so hot that a little oil dripping out of the car was enough to set the car on fire! Jeremy was grateful to come out alive! Jeremy went on a medical missions trip to Peru while in college. He helped the doctors pull out peoples' teeth. When he was on the Amazon River, a overweight girl fell out of the boat. Another young man and Jeremy, jumped in, rescued her and brought her to safety. Upon hearing the story, I exclaimed, "Jeremy, there are alligators in the Amazon!" "Oh, he replied, "I didn't think of that!" Recently, I was very discouraged. It was Jeremy who encouraged me. He was flowing with compassion which seems to increase with each passing year because of the many knocks he had. He is going to be a very good doctor. Rachel is a very giving person and good at details. I love to go shopping with her because she knows where everything is. She has had difficult experiences as well. When we first came to Arkansas, she was shunned for no good reason. It has made her compassionate toward hurting people. She learned to not be influenced by the crowd. She did what was right. And when she was alone she read and read and read. She doesn't like religious people who say one thing but are unkind to others. She worked first at Mc Donald's, than at a restaurant at Springfield. Then she got an intern job. Now she is marketing and human resources director at a bank. She learned to be efficient, hard working, and go after what she wanted. But she also knows how to laugh and have fun with her co-workers. But she is happiest when she gives. She has learned the joy of sacrificing for others. Every since Nathan was little, he was very pliable and obedient. He has a tender conscience and he is disciplined in Bible study and prayer. He is a tremendous listener and very very wise. Sometimes I think he has learned from our mistakes. He is an excellent father, so kind and gentle. He is a wonderful husband. We are very very rich- not in money but in our
children. God has blessed us richly and He will bless you too but , please,
do us all a favor and discipline your kids!!!!! |
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